Monday, April 27, 2009
Thats what comes out of your heart when you hitch a ride in such a lavish car, the Audi A6.
The moment I saw it at the main gate of our institute (as I was waiting to take hike from somebody or the other) I was excited. Only the driver was there in the car. So, I just waved my hand and asked for hitch. And he paused at once.
And then, the moment he opened the front door, I was just awed ..simply awed by the beauty of the car. The interiors, the seat, the comfort, the dashboard, the multimedia devices...etc etc etc..., it was the first time I was sitting in such a luxurious car.
The ride was very small, just 2kms to say. Five minutes maximum I guess. But, all through those few minutes, I was volatile and unstable inside.
There was a unique excitement and smile on my face. My eyes were glowing. I was so happy that I just couldnt believe it. I had just seen all those things in movies...but for real...this was it.
And it was THE CAR I had ever been inside.
I wanted to smile fully, I wanted to express the joy, but being seated besides the driver, continuously I was trying to suppress those expressions and showing up just a little smile. I had to. And then when I came out of it, I was so happy. It was like you get something that you have dreamt about but never thought of coming so close to it.
All of it sounds so childish..and yea it is. But there are a few things which you just dream of, and if all of a sudden you get even an inch closer to them, you feel awesome. So did I felt.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
हो गई है पीर पर्वत-सी पिघलनी चाहिए,
इस हिमालय से कोई गंगा निकलनी चाहिए।
आज यह दीवार, परदों की तरह हिलने लगी,
शर्त लेकिन थी कि ये बुनियाद हिलनी चाहिए।
हर सड़क पर, हर गली में, हर नगर, हर गाँव में,
हाथ लहराते हुए हर लाश चलनी चाहिए।
सिर्फ हंगामा खड़ा करना मेरा मकसद नहीं,
सारी कोशिश है कि ये सूरत बदलनी चाहिए।
मेरे सीने में नहीं तो तेरे सीने में सही,
हो कहीं भी आग, लेकिन आग जलनी चाहिए।
- दुष्यन्त कुमार
Being a kid, pooping and peeing here and there, learning to shout to speak to walk to run to smile and to Love.
5-10 years: Version 1.0 to 1.5-
Still a kid, Getting primarily educated, recognizing locality and surroundings, roads and streets and people around me;
Introduction to Uttar Pradesh stereotype surrounding;
abused a neighbour of mine in front of my mom, a rememberance.
10-11 years- Version 1.5Beta- Transient phase to the outer world. Gearing up to shell out of cocoon.
11-16 years- Version 2.0 to 2.5-
Going to sainik schools at Ghorakhal,Nainital and Lucknow(a unique life experience), Living in hostels, socializing, self dependence, adolescence, puberty, realizing that girls are really pretty and that something happens chemically inside us ;)
Infatuation with a girl, confessing her to which she kept me waiting for next four years until she finally just forgot me; had a lot of crushes; had loads of fun;
Asked too many questions in schools. Gave a good result for my high school.
Had a wonderful camp and tour to Goa in 2002-03 winters.
Had a few wonderful teachers, rendering some life time inspirations and lessons.
Nationalist, patriotic, socialist thoughts high in my mind.
Made a few lifetime friends;
Abuse n curses on highs.
Life was fun..all of it. Never cared for anything else.
16-18 years: Version 3.0 to 3.2-
Life in Kota, coaching at Bansal classes, living alone, working hard, sucking life, miserable it was which finally paid off resulting me landing in IIT Madras. I was and still am very miser.
Lifestyle prevented from all cash spending funs. Didnt watch a single movie in theater in Two years in Kota.
Was quite famous( ok, notorious) at Bansal Classes for asking doubts.
18-20 years: Version 4.0 to 4.2-
Life at IIT Madras. Two years at hostel.
Life sucked at times and it rocked at others.
Got screwed for saying What The Fuck to one of my seniors. :X
Frustration, ego, silly mistakes, attitude problem, shouting, carelessness.
Girls are never comfortable in my presence. I am too despo looking form my face.
Choreo, Drama, Robotics, Poetry, Blogging, and nothing serious.
Painful for others.
Lessons learnt- not much.
Met a few of the greatest seniors.
20-21 years: Version 5.0 Alpha & Beta-
Art of living, a bit of self realization.
Reinvented myself. Smile on my face.
Hectic life. Taking a part time teaching job. Earning some cash of my own.
A failure in a course. A bit more self realization. Interests in academics.
Singing. Dont care what others think about me.
Reconstructing and structuring myself.
A bit more sincere for acads n other works. Started to dream about the rarest thing I thought of in my first two years: pursuing a PhD.
Working harder. PanIIT 08- Drank for the first time- Banged the DJ Floor Harder
After 450+ applications, secured four internships.
Being more practical.
Getting a girlfriend. :)
Moving towards atheism.
Enjoying the lucky charm.
Finally making my dream come true: taking my first ever flight (and its international as I always dreamt my first flight to be)
Looking ahead: Endsems of April 09, Internship at Germany & a wonderful Eurotrip ahead,
Deepening my research interests, Upgrading myself with reinventing process, Loosing my virginity ( getting laid someday somewhere very soon) ;)
Securing a strong base for further professional career ahead.
Waiting for the new release of Version 5.1 Alpha
Saturday, April 11, 2009
I am not sorry if you are offended when I call you a Mister.
After spending almost twenty one years of my so called life, which has just been a long long series of incidents, I just wanted to talk to you. So here I am. Well, its not the first I am talking to you...but ofcourse its the first time when I perceive you no more as the so called ALMIGHTY.
Things have happened to me...as they do with others. Not boasting for my hard working deeds nor calling myself lucky...I would just like to conclude that this fate, on an average, has been just a NEUTRAL, & I hope you understand what I mean by this NEUTRAL. There large number of arguments I can provide, to tell you that I have been quite unfortunate and my bad luck has deprived me of so many things I wished for. But...at the same time...you can give an equal number of arguments for what all I have been provided and privileged with. So lets not argue about that. Lets just forget what the hell or heaven you might have written...or thought to be written in my fate.
I recall from the beginning of my childhood..being brought up in a typical middle class vaishya Hindu family..you have been given quite a lot of verbal importance in every context, no matter what it might be. So, the influence on this poor man writing this letter to you, had been quite a lot.For so long, I believed that you certainly do exist somewhere in the seventh sky or some galaxy or somewhere else in this universe..and observing all of us. And trust me...for most of the cases ..its was the fear for your presence and not the encouragement..that we had to do good deeds. That very belief in my subconscious mind, I have not been able to remove it completely from my head. And you know what, I hate you for all this non sense. Your presence or absence, practically, has not been effective at all. Infact the faith has been degrading my performance quite a few times. There have been times when I had cried recalling you...demanding something..in lieu of keeping my faith. There have been other times when for a long duration I didnt care if you are there. You were indeed an irritation for my thoughts.
So why am I writing all this today???
All of a sudden, what happened that I am talking all this non-sense, or may be sense.
Its just that I want you to know...and I want the others to know......that I cant digest your conception any more. It ll take me some more time to remove you completely out of my mind.
Its just ridiculous...when at times I used to call you ..or recall you....assuming that you will help me out. I was so wrong. I mean think practically, out of more than 6 billion people on this bloody earth, what would be the probability of you listening to me...even if you actually existed.
This life around me has been running so well or unwell...just because of the humans around me are messed up in all the things- good or bad. I dont have to talk about if you control my fate or anybody's fate for that matter.
My knowledge & wisdom, how so ever small it may be, has compelled me to draw this conclusion, atleast for myself, that...you are nothing more than an imposed composition and illusion.
Things happening in life, events taking place, incidents & accidents caused so far...they just have been...I dont want to call them destiny. They just happened....you know just like every other thing does.
I am capable of doing what I can..and react accordingly of what I am. I cant recall you or pray you anymore. Neither can I devote 1001/- prasadam for you at the temples. If I do something good..I dont expect from you to tap my shoulders. And if I do something wrong, neither do I expect you to blame me. I shall do the things I want. You may wait and watch..if you are so jobless....OR..you may simply lie down in front of your devotees in thousands of temples and chuches and mosques and god (you) knows where....and have free lunch.
But take it from me...I dont have a single penny to give you...I dont have a single second to remember you.....and I dont have a single word to praise you...and I dont have a single word to criticize you either. I just dont care if you are...or if you arent. But for sure I want my belief of your non existence to be preserved and protected. I dont want some Tom Dick n Harry coming to me and telling me that the GOD says....blah blah blah....Its my belief or non belief...and I shall fight to protect it. You may feel jealous..after all you are loosing lots of prasadam from me..which you, so happily, could have feast upon while millions of other creatures keep on fighting for the single grain.
Events happening here have been related to me...problems are mine...and I shall do my own efforts to solve them out. I dont need your leverage at any step.
I hope you might have clearly got the idea of what I want to convey.
Good luck for you Mister.
And yeah, by the way, GOD bless you...(you may bless yourself, ofcourse).
See you again on earth.(I dont want your hell or heaven)